Monday, April 14, 2014

How to choose the right relationship?

Today's subject might not seem important, but I think it actually is. Relationships are what shapes our lives, and the way we choose those relationships is thus quite important. We have a tendency to admire, love or want the people that are the least easily accessible. We tend to want people that do not want us. Or people who cannot meet our ideals, ideas, or expectations, and persist in wanting that particular person, but differently. We want someone that is not fit for us, but also want him/her to change and meet our expectations. So what we expect that person to do is basically change FOR us. But why? Why do we so incredibly want that person who "needs" so much work to make him/her fit to our ideals? How is it possible to love someone the way he/she is and still want him to fundamentally change? Does it sound logical to you? Because to me, it certainly makes no sense at all. I've been aware of that for years now, in two types of situations where someone loves someone else but isn't satisfied with how he/she fundamentally is. The first one is acceptance of a relationship where you're unhappy but you say that life is life and that you can't change the person you love. And the second one is to stubbornly claim that your partner has to change because he/she isn't normal/correct/special/entertaining/serious/caring, etc. 

But never did I see these people tell themselves that they've made a mistake. That it was back then, when they first met their partner, that they had to decide not to go further. Because the truth is that they already knew the things that wouldn't go well. I'm not saying that there is "a true one" out there for you. I don't believe in that kind of things. I believe there are many people that could go with many people, and that it is circumstances, or coincidences if you'd prefer, that make them finally get together or not. Obviously, I'm not saying that you should aim for that one special someone. No. There is no special someone. We're all normal someones. We just happen to feel better with some people than with others. Just please don't be blinded by your longing for her/him being the right person! YOU're the right person! Many someones could be likely to want to be with you, and you could be likely to want many someones to be with you too. The unavailable person will not magically become available. The player will not magically stop flirting with other people because you are you, or maybe for a time, but not for long. The husband who cheated on his wife with you, once your husband is most likely to reproduce the same pattern. The homosexual will not magically happen to discover that you're so attractive that he'll just become heterosexual. 

I'm not being a fatalist. I'm not saying that these people will remain the victims of their deeds for their whole lives and that they cannot change. I'm saying that if you like someone that is unavailable, make it clear that you only want to be with him/her if he/she makes him/herself completely available for you. The player might just not be one in his heart, but conducted to think that that is what he/she has to do in order to fit to the certain image he/she wants to give of him/herself. But make sure to know that non-player side of him/her long before you date him/her. Do you get my point here?

The real difficulty isn't to find someone. No. The real difficulty is to find someone when you so desperately long for someone to like you, to finally realize that even if he/she is someone, he/she's not a person you'd like to date. Be brave enough to listen to your inner voice, and to see the red flags. Do both you and your possibly-future-but-not-that-fit-for-you-partner a favour in honestly saying that you're not meant to be. It will save you time, energy, despair, and so much more. And who knows, maybe that honesty you showed will make that person realize that the image he/she gives of him/herself isn't really what he/she is! 

And if you don't know what to think. Or, more accurately, if you like that someone, but you feel ashamed of him/her, or you feel that bad feeling inside of you telling you to let go, but you still don't have the heart to do so. Do what Alexandra Redcay says, go meet your family & friends. Show them your partner, and they'll let you know all about it! And you'll know for sure. If you see that you get defensive about what they tell you, and you feel inside of you that they're right, and it hurts you so much that you don't want to admit it, they're probably right. Just face that truth. And expose it to your partner too. Maybe it is something fixable. Maybe it is an essential part of who she/he is. But be the one to make a decision for yourself, don't let your non-acts, or non-spoken thoughts, or your stubbornness get in the way of your happiness and of your future. 

I'll let you hear what Alexandra Redcay boldly said, in a TedTalk video, and I hope that you'll be totally convinced:


Have a great day, and keep your mind sharp!

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